Sprout's first week of "preschool"

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Originally uploaded by madaise

Tuesday was Sprout's first day at the Boonshoft Discovery Museum's Kaleidoscope preschool science program. When we arrived to pick her up after "school" on tuesday morning, and I asked her what she'd done during the day, her answer was, "I fell in love today." When I asked Miss Robin, her teacher, how Sprout had done on her first day I was told that she already had a boyfriend and that the two of them were inseparable. "I'm gonna have to keep an eye on those two." To have this followed by Sprout's assertion that she had fallen in love was cute, if a little disturbing. She apparently bonded with one of her classmates over a shared love of the Ramones and her shoes. To give credit where credit is due, her shoes are really, super cute.

With some gentle coaxing, I was eventually able to learn that they had built walls out of coffee cans, had a snack of "fruity smiles" and cheeze-its with apple juice, met some fo the museum staff and played a game called "skunk in the barn yard" and learned a bit about skunks.

Thursday it was a little easier to get information from her. She had fruity smiles and pretzels (with apple juice, again) and they went on a nature walk outside. They did an experiment with pipes and talked about water treatment. When we picked her up, Sprout cried. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to wait until Tuesday of next week to see her friends and her teacher.

She's so excited about "school" that she can hardly contain herself. I'm trying to find things to keep her busy in the days between her school days so that it doesn't seem quite so much like she's living for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesday of next week we're going to a MetroParks nature passport event at a nearby park. The event includes a discussion of tree identification and a nature walk. I'd hoped that her daddy would be able to take her and I'd be able to get some work done but it doesn't look that way. He has early morning teleconferences 3 days next week and will be dropping her Tuesday and Thursday on his way into work.

On a less pleasant note, we're going to be a 1 car household again for a while. The Radio Flyer was in a minor accident on Thursday evening. No one was hurt but our little red wagon has been forced into retirement. Fortunately, the repairs to Rosie went well and she's gonna have to be ok for her (hopefully temporary) promotion to primary vehicle.

Past Due

Sprout has had me running almost non-stop since the arrival of her beloved "Rosie" in our driveway. This week is a great example. Monday, we went to visit our friends the E., A., & B. Since B. runs a home daycare, Sprout loves to be there during the day. Not only does she get the chance to play with her friends E. (age 5 1/2) and A. (age 7) but also with the 3-5 other children who might be there on any given day. So Monday, after the daycare kids were picked up by their respective parents, the 5 of us... B. and her girls, Sprout and I all went to dinner at CiCi's pizza because on Monday nights kids eat free. From there, we went to a park with a cool playground where the kids played until dusk.

Tuesday went much the same way. We went to B.'s house to play, then to kid's night at Fazoli's for $0.99 kids meals (and their free craft project) followed by the library where Sprout received her "Library Champion" yard sign, and other summer reader goodies. After the library, we went back to B.'s house where the girls played until dark.

Today we were.... you guessed it, at B.'s house. Today it was all girls so B. painted finger and toe nails while we treated the 4 young girls in the house to Hans Christian Andersen with Danny Kaye. (Ok, we forced the girls to watch the movie... it was really more of a treat for us. They thought that it was too slow and too long.) After the primping and the movie, we headed our separate ways. B. had plans with her sister-in-law and E. & A. were looking forward to time with their cousins. Sprout cried for a full 1/2 hour because she couldn't be with her friends.

Tomorrow will be a home day... Maybe, if the weather is really great, we'll go over to the park or I'll take her to the Y or McDonald's to play on the climbing structures in the AC while I knit. It's not like B. and the girls haven't invited our visits, but when I begin to feel like maybe I should show up with suitcases and start paying rent (my problem, not a feeling that I'm getting from them...) it's time for a change of pace. The problem is that B. was working a full-time job for the first part of the summer and Sprout and I missed spending time with them. I'm just really enjoying having my friend back and that's nothing compared to how my daughter feels.

In other news, I had hoped to start Sprout in preschool this fall and simultaneously homeschool her with a commercially available curriculum. It looks like that will probably not happen. We've had some financial upheaval and will probably not be able to invest the extra money in the commercial curriculum. Given that Sprout is reading at a very advanced level for her age, homeschooling has certainly looked like one possible option for ensuring that she gets the best possible education for her needs. It is for that reason that I'm a little disturbed to learn that the Ohio Department of Education is contemplating a review of their homeschooling guidelines (pdf link) that, given the current climate, could seriously complicate any plan that I might have in that direction.

The ODE is currently soliciting feedback from "Stakeholders" about the guidelines and the potential review. My comments are posted below.

My 4 year old daughter is, according to the current state guidelines, 1 year too young to begin school. Unfortunately, that doesn't take into account the fact that she is already reading at a 2nd or 3rd grade level and is doing basic mathematics. Homeschooling currently offers the only suitable option that I see for providing her with an education which meets her needs and provides her with the challenge required to keep her engaged.

The research that I have done leads me to believe that my daughter would not be well served by the current model of public education. Students who are not challenged are a disruption to the classroom environment and the atmosphere becomes hostile to learning for all of the students, not just the accelerated student.

The current rules have served Ohio parents and students quite adequately for almost 20 years. While parents reasons for choosing homeschooling as an option for their children are extremely diverse, the guidelines as they stand enable all of us to make the choices we feel are in the greatest good. Changing them now will inevitably throw obstacles in the path of parents trying to ensure that their children get the education they feel is most appropriate to their specific needs and places a great many students with special circumstances into a school system that is already struggling to meet the academic needs of their students.

Please do not disrupt a system which is working well for families for Ohio families who feel that their needs would not, or perhaps could not, be served by the current public school system.

Thank you,

Andi Fasimpaur

Well, I'm wiped out and ready for sleeping... I've got a bunch of notes in my palm about things that I want to blog, but no energy to type them up. I'm feeling a bit like I can't move forward without posting them so I may just decide to delete the notes and let the post(s) go. There's nothing life shattering... The political stuff goes elsewhere and that's a large part of where my head's at right now.

Personality Tests

One of the side-effects of my depression is that I have this constant need to better understand myself. I'm always trying to gauge whether my thoughts and reactions are "normal" or whether I'm in some sort of unhealthy space. I'm also very uncertain of how others see me. One result of this is that I have become completely addicted to online personality tests. I could sit and take them for hours. Blogthings has a lot of these kinds of tests and there are links to more tests at the top left and bottom right of every test and results page. At least one of the additional tests usually grabs my attention and I end up clicking through to one after another and before I know it, hours have been eaten up by my quest to have a better understanding of my place in the world.

When I was in college, a friend who was in the education department gave me the Myers-Briggs test as part of a testing methodology class that he was taking. I've since taken several abbreviated versions of the test and the results tend to vary only slightly. Sometimes I test as INFP and others I test as ENFP. I have to assume that I'm right on the I/E border and the natural variations in my answers based on whether it's a good day or a bad day end up being the deciding factor.

I was wondering, earlier today, where I'm at right now. I started a new medication today in hopes of dealing with the lethargy, cloudy-headedness, and low energy levels caused by my depression. So far, today has been encouraging. I'm not feeling hyped up or stimulated but I'm not struggling to stay awake while I try to coax Sprout into a nap so that I can go back to bed. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't love it if she'd take a nap. I might even snuggle up next to her to try to get her to doze off. Once she's asleep, though, I'm thinking that it would be nice to spend some time reading something that she didn't choose.

Here's the result of the MB knock-off test that I took this afternoon... It seems pretty accurate. I'm not agitating to get out of the house, but I'm reasonably happy to be out of bed.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

My Little Red Wagon

The Radio Flyer* died Monday on the way home from the Knitting Guild Meeting. The mechanic says that the water pump failed (rather dramatically if you want my opinion) and that he can't pressurize the cooling system to determine what else may need attention. This repair is going to cost a lot of money that we don't have. Alternately, not making the repair (how much is a 93 Escort wagon worth anyway?) means acquiring a car. If we don't have the money for the repair, where's the money for a car going to come from? So much for my dreams of ever becoming a 2 car family.

I had hoped that I might have a summer job which would allow Sprout to spend the summer in 1/2 day pre-school day camp and give me a bit of extra money. Unfortunately, the employer is currently confronted with a spending/hiring freeze so it looks unlikely. I may do some volunteer work for the summer, just to start re-building my resume to maybe get some small teaching gigs. (Classes at the Boonshoft might be fun. Maybe some classes at an art center or something. Who knows?) The money from paid gigs would certainly help but volunteering and teaching would both be easier if we had a 2nd car...

The long and the short of this post is, Watch This Space for a preview of items to be uploaded to Etsy. I don't expect to finance a car payment or the repair bill out of my Etsy shop but I'm very hopeful that, with a little help from my friends, I can make enough money to buy milk and maybe pay the internet bill.

Other than the car, life is gradually moving toward "normal." Everyone in the household is having some difficulty adjusting to our new 3 cat status. Sprout goes for most of a day without any mention of Shado and then will comment on how much she misses him and how sad it is that he's dead. The cats seemed, at first, to take the loss in stride. Shado had long since retired from the pecking order and passed the throne to Hephaestus. Alpheus, our youngest male, has never really seemed to have much interest in a hierarchical order except as applies to who gets to sleep on my body pillow and get affection from me when I can't sleep. Unfortunately, both Alfie and Fuzzy have felt the need to show Mintaka (our only female) that, as far as they're concerned, she's at the bottom of the pecking order.

'Taka would so love to be an only cat. Shado was 6 months old when we brought her home and the two of them always got along beautifully. It would now appear that even after his retirement, Shado was an important ally for her and his calming influence made a real difference. I think that she may be acting out to show her disapproval of the situation by peeing in the laundry. As much as I think that this habit will prove to be a powerful motivator in the direction of sorting clothes (the ones that no longer fit can be donated) and getting them washed and put away, I'd really rather she didn't embrace this habit... If she doesn't have laundry to pee in, I'm afraid she might choose the bed.

Well, I'm putting off photography, for no good reason, so I'd better get that done so I can upload pictures and then begin working on text for the Etsy listings. If you see something in the pictures that you want, drop me a note. I'll be happy to mark it "Reserved" when I update the shop.


*You mean everyone doesn't nickname their cars... ok, red escort station wagon = little red wagon = Radio Flyer -- Clear as mud, I'm sure

Farewell, Space Monkey

If I know you offline, chances are pretty good that I've mentioned my cats and told you silly stories about one or more of them. Yesterday morning, Shado (our eldest cat and the one that I sometimes referred to as our "Radically Altered" male) passed from this world. It was not an unexpected event and we'd spent quite a bit of time over the last couple of months trying to prepare Sprout for the inevitable.

Shado was 14 years old, which is not particularly ancient in the world of domestic cats, but which was a miracle considering that he had complete renal failure 3 times when he was 4 years old. In the course of a 6 month period, Shado had to be taken to the emergency vet and placed in feline ICU twice. The third time that his urinary tract became blocked and his kidneys shut down was actually the day that we were supposed to pick him up from his 2nd ICU stay. We walked in and the vet told us that he felt Shado needed surgery. The procedure, called Perineal Urethrostomy, was done that same day and his recovery was amazingly fast.

His medical misadventures left him with some loss of kidney function (he recovered to about 80%) and a heart murmur. These are health problems which we have managed for the last 10 years with minimal problem. I will never forget bringing him home, after the surgery, with his abdomen shaved from just below his ribs to the base of his tail and down the backs of his legs. Shado was an amazingly agile cat and to prevent him from disturbing his incision, the vet extended the standard white plastic funnel collar with a 3 inch band of silver duct tape, to add to the effect, we were instructed to apply a zinc-oxide cream to the area around the incision to prevent irritation. As a result, he looked less like a cat and more like... Well, that's probably obvious from the title.

Sprout is handling the loss well, mostly. She's having some trouble wrapping her head around it and is alternately sad that he's gone and curious about when he'll be back. When I told her that he had died, she wanted me to take him to the vet so that they could make him better. When we talked about how much we were going to miss him, she suggested that we get another cat who looked just like him so that we wouldn't.

Mr. Andi is ready to bury the cat. I'm not quite there yet. I feel like putting him in a box in the ground is not the closure that I need. I'm still trying to figure it out. This isn't the first time that I've lost a pet, but it's the first time that I've guided my daughter through the loss of one and I want to do right by both her and Shado.

IMAGE: Original caption: "Fig. 75. '''Schädel der Wildkatze,''' ''Felis catus'; in halber natürlicher Größe" Translation (partly): "Skull of ''Felis silvestris'', 1/2 of natural size" Size: 2.2 x 1.4 in² (5.5 x 3.5 cm²) Originator: Hubert Ludwig Source

Handle With Care

I made an appointment for Monday with a hand therapist at a local sports medicine clinic. I had delayed for two weeks since my doctor referred me with excuses about not being able to find childcare. It turns out, the clinic is attached to one of our local YMCAs. (Not the one where Sprout has her swim lessons and soccer and where I take bellydance classes... this one is actually closer to home.) One of the advantages to this is that I can put Sprout in the nursery at the Y during my meeting. I'm not sure if it will be free (I'm a member and they do offer members free childcare for 2 hours a day while they're at the Y...) or if I'll have to pay (a dollar an hour, it's not going to break the bank) since I won't actually be using the Y itself...

What I realized, after I'd hung up, was that I knew a week ago that if I couldn't find any other way, the clinic is open early enough that I could schedule the appointments in such a way that I could leave Sprout with her daddy while I went to my hand therapy. With that acknowledgment fresh in my mind, I had to admit that I didn't make the appointment because I'm a little afraid.

As I said in my previous entry, I didn't have much time to process what was going on between the CTS diagnosis and my first surgery last time around. Any concerns that I might have had about surgery were completely overshadowed by the suggestion that the tendons in my thumbs were so bad that the muscles had atrophied, possibly beyond the point of recovery, and that I might not regain the full use of my thumbs. Opposable thumbs are good things, I like mine, I wouldn't want defective tendons to drag me backwards on the evolutionary ladder.

I've learned a lot since then and met people who've had less favorable outcomes from their CTS surgeries than I had. I also know that there are some different factors to consider with a repeat surgery. The questions that need to be addressed now are "Why am I having a recurrance of symptoms?" the surgery cut my carpal ligament, the nerve pressure should have been resolved. And, yet, I'm loosing sensation in my fingers and my motor control is suffering. What is the source of the pressure causing these problems? Is it scar tissue? was the ligament release incomplete? Is there some underlying medical concern that was mis attributed to CTS? How will these things be corrected? Surgery? Will therapy do the trick? If surgery, am I possibly looking at implants or vein wraps? I've never had any kind of graft procedure before and I'm a little worried about what might be involved...

And, to change the subject (or maybe not) there's the whole question of how this will effect our decision to have (or not) another baby. The last time around, I made the appointment with the specialist at about the same time that we'd planned on starting our family planning/expansion efforts. The surgeries, and the financial recovery after we saw how much the insurance wasn't covering, postponed our child-making plans by almost 3 years. I'll be 39 in 2 weeks. If we're going to have another baby, we need to start trying soon. We might get pregnant right away, but last time around (between PCOS and my miscarriage) it took us 3 years to have Sprout.

I'm feeling very adrift about all of this. Conflicted. I love being a mom and love having Sprout in my life. I know that she would enjoy having a sibling. She loves babies so much and is so excited by them. There would be an almost 4 year age difference between her and a sibling if we got pregnant right now. But if surgery is a possibility down the road rather than right now, how much harder would it be with an infant and a 4-5 year old? What if I don't need surgery now but I get pregnant and the CTS gets worse? (it's actually not uncommon for that to happen)

Well, I need to spend some quality time with my little girl. This stream of consciousness blogging is just taking me in circles and Sprout wants someone to play with her...

Image Note: An engraved illustration by Gérard de Lairesse from a 17th century Dutch anatomy text.

Review: The Bob Books from Scholastic

The information about this series came into my inbox at a particularly appropriate time. For some time, Sprout has exhibited many of the signs of reading readiness, including the ability to identify the letters of the alphabet in both upper and lower case, basic understanding of the primary sounds of individual letters, and (most importantly) a strong desire to move forward in her acquisition of language. She often asks what words are by spelling them, i.e. when we're driving and she sees a traffic sign she will read the letters off of the sign and ask what they spell. She also remembers many of the words that she's been exposed to previously. All of which is meant to say that, although Sprout is barely 3, I did not believe that it was too soon to try her on something like the Bob Books even though they are intended for an audience of 4-6 year olds.

When the box arrived, I was excited to open it and begin looking through the materials. I had already visited the Bob Books website and was a little disappointed that there was not more guidance from the site on how to get started. The support materials on the website were limited to a single PDF coloring page per 12 book box set. Unfortunately, the box and individual books didn't contain much further guidance.

Sprout did, indeed, read the first book with no problem. Unfortunately, the feeling of accomplishment didn't bring with it any desire to pick up the second book. I suggested that we read "Her Books" at least once every day for a week and she responded every time by saying that she wanted me to read to her and not the other way around. After several days, I tried another strategy, "We'll read the first two Bob Books together and then you can choose any 4 books off your bookshelf for me to read to you." She agreed, we breezed through the first book a second time and then made it through 8 of the 12 pages of the second book before she seemed bored with it and completely uninterested even in having me read the books she was supposed to choose from the shelves. It was beginning to seem as though the Bob Books were inspiring a lack of interest in reading.

I was a little uncertain of how to proceed. Surely I couldn't be the only parent who had ever gotten this reaction from the program. I could really have used more support materials from the website or the packaging inserts. I'd talked to a couple of the other moms on Sprout's soccer team and learned that one of them had tried the Bob series with great success. I asked a few probing questions and realized that she had a much more structured routine with her children than we've ever tried with Sprout. I tried to structure our "study" time a bit more but Sprout interpretted my efforts as a punishment and resisted even more strongly. I got similar responses to bribes ("let's read and then we can go to the park") and attempts to make it into a game by "Playing School."

To make matters worse, she had almost completely stopped many of her earlier reading readiness behaviors. She was no longer reading off the letters on traffic signs to ask what they said, no longer pointing to words that she knew when she saw them spelled out in the "real world." I abandoned the series mid-way through the 5th book for fear that maybe she just hadn't developed the attention span required to make it through the series and we'd be better off trying again in a year or so, once she had reached the target age for the books.

Sprout's soccer coach, "Miss B," has been homeschooling her older daughter for the last 2 years. Miss B's younger daughter, Em, is 4 and will be enrolling in a pre-k class in the very near future. I called Miss B and asked if she thought that she and Em might like to try the Bob Books. She was very interested in giving them a try. We talked very briefly after Saturday's soccer game and Miss B says that they've worked through the first couple of books in the series in the week that they've had them but indicated that she was having some similar problems getting Em to focus.

I've been trying to work out some games and activities that we can do to try to make the books more fun for Sprout. I've added to our collection of alphabet magnets and I'm thinking that we may be able to make the process of reading the books a little more interactive by using the letter magnets to act out the process of sounding out words. I may also try to encourage Sprout's impulse to build on the sentences in the books by composing additional lines of text using the magnets.

Lest you think that my feelings are entirely negative, they're not. I think that the Bob Books have a lot to offer. They're a great concept and the illustrations are simple enough that I'm thinking I can help Sprout write and illustrate new stories or build upon the ones we have. I don't know if my difficulties are a result of Sprout being so much younger than the target audience, or if perhaps our less structured lifestyle has left her ill-equipped to follow instructions and concentrate for a lesson. I'll be continuing to work with her some on the challenge of staying on task for a period of structured activity.

In short, I like the concept of the books, I like the approach and the execution. I'd like to see more support for parents from Scholastic via packaging inserts or web support. I also think that it would be quite simple to develop a series of related activities that built upon the books which could be delivered via the Bob Books website, something more than a single coloring page per boxed set of books.

The series has been around for something like 30 years and a great many people have enjoyed great success with it. If you're concerned that your child might have the same type of attention problems that Sprout has shown, it would be well worth checking to see if your local library has the books in their catalog. That said, the first set is not very expensive and I think that I would find it well worth the investment to have the flexibility to put the books away for a period of time and try again later.

This is the second of the sponsored reviews for Mother-Talk.com that I mentioned here. You can see the first review by following this link.

Give a girl a hand

I started having problems with my hands when I was in college. Pain... loss of sensation... loss of control... As a 22 year old, during a particularly bad period, I went to the campus health center and was told that I was most likely dealing with arthritis. I was a child and it never occurred to me to ask for a second opinion.

In the spring of 1999, after spending an intense period of time working on some hand-built porcelain vessels that I wanted to use for a grant proposal, the problems with my hands reached a new extreme. I felt as though I had lost all fine motor control. When I tried to hold something, my grip was so tight that the item would crush in my hands. A tiny vessel, which had taken hours to build and was nearly finished might be crushed to dust in my hands when I thought that I was gently holding it. At the same time, I would try to grip things tightly and they would slip from my grasp to the floor.

Within a month, I had the first of 6 hand surgeries which were spaced out over a period of 8 months. The diagnosis was Carpal Tunnel, Tendonitis and ancillary nerve damage. From diagnosis to the first surgery, I was so busy with blood tests and surgery prep that I didn't have time to think about what was happening.

Soon I will be seeing a hand specialist for a "pre-surgical consultation." I don't know if we will ultimately choose surgery, and I know that it is unlikely that we would have to repeat all of it, but I'm a little freaked out. I don't want to repeat any of it. I honestly don't know how I'd manage life with Sprout during my recovery. I can't manage life with an energetic, high-needs three-year-old as it is. I've had the number for the physical/occupational therapist for almost a week and haven't scheduled my first appointment because I just can't seem to find a childcare solution. We considered enrolling her in preschool. The problem is that preschool is 3 hours 3 mornings a week. I would spend 1/2 hour of that driving her daddy to work after we dropped her off, another 45 minutes driving to the physical therapist's office, it takes another 1/2 hour to get from the physical therapist's office to the preschool which means that if the appointment is an hour, I have exactly fifteen minutes margin for delayed appointments or traffic problems. I'm not sure it's possible but I am almost certain that the stress will drive me around the twist.

Of course, the way that today has been going, I'm probably going to run away from home. As an indigent living on the streets in the midwest, scheduling medical appointments will probably be the last of my worries. What is it about 3 year olds that inspires them to bite and hit when they don't get their way. It's not like ***We've*** ever modeled that behavior, although I will admit that I really, really wanted to hit her with a rolled up newspaper when she bit me the second time in less than a minute.

The good news is that tomorrow is my bellydance class. It's the thing that I look forward to all week and the thing that really gets me through right now. Between dance class and trying to find my way around Ravelry, I'm starting to remember that there's a world out there that has nothing to do with preschoolers.

Image: Georgia O'Keefe: Hands with Thimble photograph by Alfred Stieglitz

Sleepless Nights

It's somewhere after 5am and I haven't slept. I've tried to sleep. I started trying to sleep at 11:15pm. Unfortunately, I have leg cramps which have varied in intensity over the past 6 hours from a fluttery feeling in the muscles which is slightly distracting to full fledged digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands leg in a bear trap cramps. This is the 2nd night in a row that I've been kept up with them. It triggered a migraine yesterday and left me feeling crappy all day. All of which is why I'm sitting here at the computer typing instead of sleeping which is where all sane people should be at 5am.

The picture is Ms. Sprout going through the child's gate at our local Children's Discovery Garden. One of her favorite places in the world. We took her Sunday evening after spending abut an hour at a Pow Wow. Sprout seemed to enjoy many aspects of the event but commented several times about how sad the music sounded. She finally asked us to take her away from the singers at the host drum because she said that she was afraid the sad music was going to hurt her feelings. The Pow Wow was sponsored by the local council of Native Americans so I took her over to their information tent, waited patiently for someone who appeared to be an elder to be free, and then asked if he minded talking to a little girl with some big questions about what she was seeing/hearing. They had a lovely conversation in which I participated only as a translator from adult-speak to toddler-speak, etc. When she woke yesterday morning, she wanted to know if we were going to another Pow Wow.

I would not trade these chances to look at the world through her eyes for anything.

Psychopharmacology Roulette

I've written a bit about rants recently and I guess that's because I'm in a bit of a ranty mood. I'm easily frustrated right now. I seem unable to concentrate for very long on anything. My current knitting project is a perfect example. It is an extremely simple pattern, a 2 row repeat. The first row is knit a certain number of stitches until you get to a place where you're supposed to have a bead. Purl one, slide the bead into place, purl again, and then knit until time for the next purl/bead/purl combo. The second row is knit, knit, knit, until you get to the stitch marker that tells you that it's time to do the first row again. The problem is, I keep forgetting and either purl/bead/purl-ing in the middle of the knit row, or knitting two or more rows and then I have to go back and unknit the portion that I've messed up.

On one hand, I can't help thinking that spinning would be the perfect answer to my current lack of focus. I've got quite the stockpile of wool around here (and my alpaca roving finally arrived from Wooly Knob) to play with and a new double drive band on the wheel. The only problem with this plan is that I don't want to abandon my knitting in the middle. (Although I did decide that I needed to experiment a bit with the pattern and -- after visiting 2 craft stores looking for suitable beads -- am playing with a more involved pattern with a somewhat less decadent yarn and the only 8/0 beads that I could find... In other words, I have 2 projects on DPNs right now!)

Sprout and her daddy are both asleep and I should be too, but my mind is going at light speed. Thoughts are popping in and ideas are building on ideas at a rate much faster than I can seem to process. (Certainly a lot faster than I can type!) This is the bulk of the reason that my concentration is so poor right now. I don't know if I process it all better when I'm sleeping or if I just care less that I can't keep up, but once I get to sleep, I don't want to wake up. My psychiatrist and I are about to launch another round of psychopharmacology roulette. We're adding another drug to the staggering dose of anti-depressants I'm already taking. If it works, I should be able to reclaim roughly 1/8th of my life. (That being the portion of my life that I spend sleeping beyond what would be considered normal...)

In studio news, the image in this post is of the first piece in my Technological Artifacts series from 2001. I have decided that the time has come for me to let go of these pieces and will be listing them for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm going to be working on the images for the listings in the next couple of days.

In parenting news, we took Sprout to the Y today so that she could swim. At one point, while she was crawling around the perimeter of the pool, she lost her "footing" and tumbled into the pool. Her daddy and I are never further than arms length from her at the pool, so there was really no cause for alarm, but it happened so quickly that she ended up completely underwater before her daddy could scoop her into his arms. The experience startled her and she came out of the water crying a little bit. This is such an unusual thing for her that I was pretty alarmed. This is a child whose first reaction to a fall is to stand up and say "I'm okay!" or "I'm fine." She almost never cries about falling. As usual, she got over the experience quite rapidly, but I was pretty shaken for a few minutes there. It wasn't the tumble or the submersion in the water. I was just so unaccustomed to seeing her upset by it that I was sure that it must have been worse than I thought.

Reader's Digest Condensed Rants

The following rants have taken place inside my head in the past 24-48 hours. The Cliff's Notes versions are presented here in more or less chronological order.

Her Bad Mother's Basement: (Not) Living The Dream:

Why is it that mother's are expected to not only put their lives (personal and professional) on hold to raise children or care for aged parents (their own or those of their spouse) but to enjoy it as well? What does it say that if a mom sometimes resents the losses that accompany parenthood, they question their worth and suitability as a parent? I read this confessary post and found myself thinking about all of the women throughout time who have been in a similar position and who have taken it with much less grace. I have no doubt that depression is a major issue in the household described. The thing is, the situation as written is has a lot in common with my own. The differences, however put us in different worlds... I am blessed with a remarkable support system. My mother-in-law (a candidate for sainthood if ever one crossed my path) is kind enough to take Sprout on occasion so that I can get work done or accomplish things that are nearly impossible with a toddler in tow. My husband does most of the housework, and is more than willing to keep Sprout busy while I do what I need to get done. I have friends (one in particular) who I visit and enjoy spending time with so that I don't feel so isolated.

I wrote about much of this when I wrote Interruptions Big and Small as part of my attempt to become a professional blogger...

A number of smaller rants managed to escape my mind and memory while I was writing the above. The most recent of my ravings, however, had to do with visiting a craft shop in an unsuccessful attempt to acquire size 8/0 seed beads so that I could begin knitting a 2nd pair of wrist warmers. What I learned, as I searched high and low for suitable beads, is that in order to merit inclusion in the stock of the average American craft store, one must somehow give the impression that your product is essential to every scrap booker within a 200 mile radius. Since beads are nice occasional accents but far from essential, the selection is minimal and there were only 3 colors of 8/0 sized seed beads in the entire store. Unfortunately, none of those colors would look good with the pretty brown wool that I purchased.

Can Toddlers Be Fat?

I was flipping channels this evening and stumbled across a show on The Learning Channel called "Tubby Toddlers". I will admit that my first impulse was to just scroll past without even reading the description. Frankly, I find that I have little or no respect for TLC's programming anymore. One Week To Save Your Marriage, Crazy Kids Clips, and the endless series of medical freak shows that they seem to think we'll find entertaining are not my idea of enthralling television viewing.

Professor Paul Gately's research on childhood obesity may be quite valid and valuable. One of my greatest fears is that Sprout will struggle with her weight (and the self-worth problems arising from body image issues) as I have done for most of my life. I honestly believed that I was fat and that I needed to loose weight long before I really was. Genetics aren't on Sprout's side on this issue so I'm hoping that we can give her the tools that she needs to tackle the environmental factors so that she's ahead of the game. I love that she is active and energetic...

The thing is, toddlers are developing in so many areas at once. To put toddlers, or any young child, on a weight loss program seems so very, very wrong to me.

TITLE: Florence / Anna Desmond & Co.,LA.
CREATOR: Anna Desmond & Co., photographer.
LOC CALL NUMBER: LOT 3222, no. 38 [P&P]
LOC REPRODUCTION NUMBER: LC-USZC2-5945 (color film copy slide) No known restrictions on publication.
MEDIUM: 1 photographic print : platinum ; 16 x 10
CREATED/PUBLISHED: [1902]

Report From the Potty Training Front Lines

The weather around here continues to leave me feeling a bit like the whole world is wrapped in a shroud. The air is warm and humid and it hangs thickly above slowly receding snow. It reminds me a little of looking out the window of a plane as you pass through the clouds just after take off, or before landing. The air looks too thick to breathe.

Which probably accounts for my desire to curl up into a little ball with Sprout on my lap and the shawl I just finished knitting wrapped around us both. It's a dangerous thing to do, however, sitting with a toddler in "big girl panties" on your lap when she's on a potty strike. It feels a little like today was a study in "one step forward, three steps back" on the potty training front. Sprout seemed determined that she would not step foot into the bathroom unless dragged by the hair. (A tactic which, no matter how tempting, I refused to take...)

To be honest, I think that this was really about showing mama who's boss... We got up this morning and Sprout's pull-up had leaked all over her sleeper. I stripped her down and cleaned her up, and snuggled her under the covers for a few minutes just to enjoy the feel of her skin against mine. We then ventured downstairs where I gave her a choice of shirts to wear and a choice of underpants or pull-up. When she chose the underwear, I reminded her that she had to tell me when she needed to go to the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go and she declined. A couple minutes later, she was standing in a puddle in the living room.

I tried several approaches to the whole question of going into the bathroom. Every time she answered with denial that she needed to go and refusal to humor me by going anyway. Not long after breakfast, I again suggested a field trip to the potty and she again refused only to release the contents of her bladder moments later while she sat on the floor. I put her in a pull-up (over her protests) and suggested that we'd try underwear again after her nap since she seemed tired and unable to concentrate.

A short nap later, we tried the "Big Girl Panties" again only to repeat our earlier experiences. Four pairs of soiled toddler briefs in a single day is the limit of my patience. I put her in another pull-up and gave up for the day.

How did we go from a landmark success day, with no less than 5 potty triumphs, yesterday to today's dismal failures... I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong. We have plans to be out of the house tomorrow so we're doomed to another pull-up day. For now, I'll stop worrying about it and just accept that today didn't live up to the promise of yesterday and tomorrow isn't even in the running.

TITLE: Chicago, Illinois. An unusually heavy fog in the early afternoon
CALL NUMBER: LC-USW3- 012514-E [P&P]
CREATED/PUBLISHED: 1942 Dec.
CREATOR: Delano, Jack, photographer.
PART OF: Farm Security Administration - Office of War Information Photograph Collection (Library of Congress)

Sprout's Obsession

Included in the packages from Germany with the other treats that my sister sent for the holidays this year were several boxes of Kinder Eggs for Sprout. (Well, Sprout and mama if we're being completely honest... Sprout gets the chocolate, mama gets the toy...) Having spent a significant portion of our childhood in Europe, Kinder Eggs hold a special place in the hearts of myself and many others.

I remember reading somewhere, about the same time that the FDA banned the eggs in the US, that some engineering or design programs use Kinder Eggs as an instructional device. Some of the toys contained inside Kinder Eggs are rather complicated and involved. The eggs, and the toys inside, are manufactured and sold in many countries with very diverse languages. Adding to the difficulty, the toys must fit inside a rather small plastic capsule inside the chocolate egg. This often means breaking a complicated toy into quite a few small parts which must be assembled by the recipient no matter where they live or what language they speak. The instructions must fit inside the plastic capsule with the toy, so if they're too complicated or require translation, it cuts into the space available for the toy. As a consequence, the instructions are usually illustrated and sometimes puzzling. (Think IKEA assembly instructions...) The point being, I love Kinder Eggs and try to justify that love with admiration of the design accomplishments and tech writing genius represented by the toy surprises. (Like most other Kinder Egg enthusiasts, I almost want to cry when I open that little capsule and find a figurine instead of a wonderful puzzle of a toy.)

The unfortunate down side of the current supply of Kinder Eggs in the house is that my days are punctuated by repeated two word pleas, screams, whines and demands for "Chocolate Egg"... Sprout seems to think that repetition is the key to getting what she wants. If I don't immediately acquiesce, she experiments with changes of inflection and volume. She sounds a little like a star-struck theatrical amateur experimenting with the verbal inflection of a line of dialog trying to find just the right delivery. It would be funny and cute if it weren't so damned anoying.

You Can't Catch Me, I'm A Girl!

Not long before Christmas, Sprout watched one of several episodes of Between The Lions featuring the story of The Gingerbread Man. As chance would have it, Sprout saw that episode 2 or 3 times in the course of a couple of days and it made a pretty big impression. The first indication that I had of the exact nature of my daughter's new obsession with the gingerbread man was during a visit to a pet store where she broke free of my grasp and ran down one of the isles looking back over her shoulder calling, "You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man." This new freedom of hers made her giddy. When it was time to get dressed in the mornings, or time to change into her sleeper at night, she would wriggle free and run around in circles calling, "Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man."

Last weekend, my aunt came for a long overdue visit. While here, she was treated to Sprout's wild evasive maneuvers and her gingerbread man chorus. My aunt laughed and said, "Wouldn't that be 'the gingerbread GIRL'? After all, you are a girl." Sprout thought about it for a moment and ever since her calls back to us as she runs away have been "You can't catch me, I'm a girl!"

I really like this new battle cry. It appeals to the feminist in me. (The part of me that dressed her as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween when she was a year old...) I hope that she always feels that being a girl gives her an advantage. I want her to feel valued and special and powerful and vital and invincible.

Tonight, as I scooped her up in mid-stride and planted a kiss on her naked belly, I laughed and said, "Yes, baby mine, but you've forgotten something important. Mama's a girl, too!"

And the bead rolls on

I negotiated with my sweetie for two studio sessions today. I worked in the studio for a couple of hours this afternoon, and then again for a couple hours after dinner. Sprout played in the playpen we bought her for the studio while daddy took care of a couple things inside and then he took over baby watch and I had quality time to play in the mud.

I made over 100 beads today. I started out working on the same style of beads that I was making the last time I was in the studio. I've been thinking of them as "Squash Blossom Melon Beads." They're segmented like any other melon bead but they alternate a zig-zag division with a straight division so that the end result is rather interesting. When I took the break to come into the house for dinner, I had 117 of those made and drying. (Including the ones that I made last time.)

My plan is to break them up into 3 or 4 groups and glaze all the beads in each group the same color. I will probably fill the kiln with beads in a specific color and then sort them into strands of 10 and pairs after they're fired.

After dinner, I started working on polkadot beads. I got about 43 of them made before it was time to come in. This batch of polkadots have 4 large circles impressed around the bead and then 8 smaller ones. I have another 20 or so balls formed to make more beads when I get back into the studio on Monday night.

For now, it's time to take the baby up to bed. We're meeting Helena and her husband tomorrow at Cox Arboretum to enjoy their butterfly house. We probably won't get out to the butterfly prairie because the weather is supposed to be inhospitable.

This will be a full week. Lisa is coming into town for a personal appearance and we'll be seeing her briefly on Tuesday afternoon. Monday I'm getting together with JJ to talk web stuff and work out firing for some of his doll faces.

Speaking of dolls, I should get the one that I'm working on finished. I'm loving the way that her needle felted hair is turning out. She still won't tell me how she wants to wear her beads.

Back to work

I spent about an hour in the studio this evening after dinner. Studio time is becoming more precious as Sprout becomes more mobile. She's officially crusing now, pulling herself up on the furniture and taking tentative steps while supporting herself. We spent several hours upstairs today, playing in the bed. I watched as she pulled herself up into a standing position using the windowsill and walked with her hands pressed against the wall to support her as she went from the head of the bed to the window and back.

She has gotten so good at going after what she wants. She can crawl quickly from one end of the bed to the other. The cats haven't quite learned that they're no longer safe from her. She wrestled Alpheus to the bed several times this afternoon and each time he looked at me as if to say, "Wait a minute, how did she get over here."

Sprout actually stood for a few minutes this afternoon without any support. She'd been standing at the window and brought first one hand and then the other up close to her face to look at them. I don't know when she realized that she wasn't holding on to anything, but it may not have been until she landed on her butt on the mattress. She just looked over at me and smiled in the most disarming way.

So, anyway, I got into the studio for a little while this evening. I worked on making a batch of about 36 beads which I'll be glazing the same color and then combining into strands of 10 or pairs for sale at the bead shows. I'm anticipating selling them for $25/strand or $6/pair.

I need to order glazes. I will probably order some from Georgie's because they have several that I'm particularly fond of.

Other than that, not much is going on in the studio. My sweetie moved all the vacation pictures off of the camera but I haven't seen most of them yet so I can't upload any more until he gives them to me on a disc or something.

We're meeting up with friends on Sunday at our local arboritum. They have a butterfly house. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm really looking forward to it. I have spare batteries in my purse for the camera so I'll have to take lots of pictures.

I haven't figured out yet how to incorporate butterfly imagery into some of my work. I'm sure that inspiration will come in due time.

More pictures of my baby

Sprout has grown so much that it is hard to believe. I had a "Clay Date" at the Art Garden (probably the last clay date) today and took Sprout with me. Carole, the owner, was so amazed by how big she has gotten. It's hard to believe that she was as tiny as she was the first time that I took her there. I think that she was only 7 weeks old. She's 10 1/2 months old now.

We leave on Friday for our vacation. I can't wait but there is still so much to do to get ready for the trip. The purple dress that Sprout was wearing in the photos that I posted yesterday was one that my mom got for her for the formal nights on the cruise. The pink and white one in the photo here is one of the others. It's just the slightest little bit too big for her but she looks so adorable in it.

Sleeping it off

I spent the day in bed today with a headache. Someday, when I'm finished breeding and breastfeeding, I will be able to take medication again which will help. Until then, I just try to ride it out as best I can.

Yesterday, my mom and I took Sprout to Indiana for pictures. My aunt is a portrait photographer there. I thought that I'd post a couple of pictures here for anyone who might be interested in seeing how much my baby has grown.

The first is of Sprout and I together. The second is one of her on her own.

Needle felting

I picked up a set of felting needles at the bead show. I had so much fun with the small amount of felted embellishment that I had done on Innna that I wanted to have the right tools for the job. It is amazing to me what a difference it makes to use the correct tool.

I've started another doll. This one is for an exchange on the beaded art doll list that I'm on. The rules of the exchange are that each participant is assigned a swap partner and sends their partner a face. When you receive the face in the mail, you are supposed to design a doll around it. The doll is supposed to be about 4 inches tall.

The face that I received is large and I was briefly puzzled as to how I was going to design a doll which was even moderately proportional. What I've decided on is a seated doll. I used some of the same wool felt that I used for Innna and needle felted a wonderful spiral onto it with hand painted yarn that Heather had given me. I then cut the felt into a rough triangle shape and cut another piece the same shape. Next I added more felt to the front to suggest crossed legs. The needle felted spiral forms the belly of the doll and the center of the spiral is the navel.

I need to stuff the doll but first I need to glue on the face cab. Once it's stuffed, I'll start adding some beads. I want to add more wool to suggest a blanket draped over the doll, and some yarn for hair, maybe. The blanket will probably be made with wool from a bag of unspun wool that I got several years ago when I thought that I wanted to learn to spin.

I went to the thrift shop today, in part to look for more sweaters to felt for more doll stuff. Instead I ended up buying clothes for my family. I bought 12 "onesies" and similar garments, some for as little as $0.10 each. I got a handmade choli and skirt with embroidery and mirrors and beadwork on them for Sprout. I cannot believe how much baby clothes cost new, especially when you consider how little use they get... The thrift shops are filled with baby clothes that have never even been worn, and for a tiny fraction of what was paid for them in retail stores.

I should go show Sprout's daddy her new clothes. I'm anxious to hear what he thinks of the choli/skirt set. Heather loved it and said that if I hadn't gotten it and she'd found out about it, she'd have kicked my butt.