Thought I'd post another pin for my loyal readers before venturing into the black hole that is my random thought processes. I've uploaded the rest of the pins that I have scanned to my Etsy shop. My sweetie is taking Mica to visit her grandparents for a while this evening so that I can lock myself out in the studio and try to get some more work done. If I have to be miserable, there's no reason that I can't be miserable sitting at the torch for a half-hour or so.
I've been sick since New Year's Day. (I'll spare everyone the details...) I'm calling the doctor's office first thing tomorrow morning to let them know (as I was advised to do when I went in for a follow-up with my doctor mid-week) that the anti-biotics do not seem to be helping with my illness. We really cannot afford for the consistent wage-earner in the household to take off more than a week from work because I am too ill to care for the baby. I'm averaging about 16 hours a day in bed. I wake up every time I cough, my breathing is labored, and (because I can't breathe through my nose) I'm snoring loud enough to drive my beloved downstairs to sleep on the couch. All told, this means that (as if I weren't feeling miserable enough) I've spent way too much time inside my own head this last week.
I want to thank Maryellen, Jennifer and Cinnamon for their feedback on my crisis of self-worth. It really **IS** comforting to know that I'm not alone in my experiences with the untimely endings of valued friendships. It makes me feel a little less defective, a little less as though there is something inherently wrong with me that makes this type of disappointment inevetable.
As the bio on my website says, I grew up in a military family. This meant that, in addition to wonderful travel opportunities, my family moved frequently. I never formed the kind of lasting friendships that people who live in one place their entire lives take for granted. I moved away from my friends and had to make new ones every 4 years. I have always envied people who have friends that they've known since elementary school. Intellectually, I know that these life-long friendships are rare, that they are the exception and not the rule. That doesn't change the fact that, on some level, I have always hoped that maybe one of my adult friendships would develop into the type of profound, unshakeable relationship that I have envied from the outside.
As a consequence, when one of my friendships ends, (especially if it ends badly) I'm always sure that it is my fault. I'm certain, on some level, that I lack the tools to sustain a friendship. Did my nomadic childhood somehow train me for friendships with a limited shelf-life, rather than enduring friendships which could weather the ups and downs of real life and still survive to nourish the spirit.
The idiotic thing is, I have been fortunate enough to find one of those solid, unshakeable, profound friendships. I married him. I wake up beside him every morning... (Unless I'm sick and he's gone downstairs to sleep on the couch to escape the deafening snores...) We're raising a beautiful baby girl together. And I should really be more appreciative and grateful for my good fortune than I have seemed lately. So, that's where my week of talking to myself in bed has gotten me... I've realized that the friendship I was grieving was far from perfect and has taken the route that it needed to take. I am ***NOT*** defective and unbefriendable. And my creative life owes far more to a husband who works 40+ hours a week at a job that he does not love to provide a steady income, health insurance, and security so that I can work in my home studio for as many (or as few) hours a week as I can tear myself away from our beautiful baby, than it ever did to a friendship that was obviously more flawed than I wanted to admit before it ended.