Catching up... Part 1

I made a conscious decision as I sat down to write this not to look at any of my previous posts. In particular, I made a decision to avoid checking the date of my last update. I knew that if I actually confirmed for myself how long it had been since I had last written, I wouldn't be able to actually write anything. I'm like that sometimes... I allow myself to become so overwhelmed with the imagined scope of a project that I cannot find a starting point or a piece of it that I can begin to accomplish.

I have this whole list of things that I want to write about. Some of the posts would be long, possibly even epic, others would be short. I need to write about the process that my husband and I are going through as we try to make a real decision about Sprout's schooling next year. We are 90% decided on a course of action but I think that we each have a couple of minor issues that we want to iron out (and at least one really big issue...) I feel like I know what would be best for Sprout in terms of her academic development and we're not really worried about her social development. (For reasons that we cannot understand, Sprout is extremely social and we make a real effort to give her appropriate outlets for her social impulses...) For me, the big issue is that I'm not sure that what is best for Sprout is the best thing for me. I can't help wondering how much benefit there is for her in doing what is academically best for her but (in some ways) the worst thing for me.

The other big news in AndiLand is that I'm going out of business... This probably comes as little or no surprise to anyone. There are several reasons for the decision. The first, and probably most important is that I suck as a business woman. I just don't have the right mindset or organizational skills. More importantly, I don't really feel inspired to get into the right mindset or learn the organizational skills. I love making things, but beyond that, I'm just treading water.

What that means for the blog is... If you're following me for business reasons and you haven't been so discouraged by the lack of any real developments before now to run in the other direction, this might be the time to depart. I do hope to return to my studio, someday... For now, I'm content to knit or crochet (lately I've really enjoyed crocheting lace trim on doll clothing) or needle felt or whatever. I have hopes that there's a job in ceramics for me somewhere on the horizon but for now my focus will be on Sprout, my health, my family, etc... The truth is that most of what I've created in the last 6 months to a year has been work that couldn't possibly pay. I've spent countless hours working on felt dolls with no hope of ever being able to sell them for a price that would pay me for any of my time. But I have made them because it makes me happy to make them and keeping track of time and trying to put a price on them is a sure-fire way to ensure that I'll loose interest in short order. For at least the next year, I hope to concentrate on allowing myself to follow these impulses. Spend the time, make the things that I want or need to make, and try to drive all thoughts of saleability out of my mind.

So, yeah, I mentioned my health above and should probably follow up on that. I have a new family doctor and will probably be seeing a new prescribing psychiatrist/therapist in the near future for dealing with my depression. For the last few weeks, I have been trying to adjust my family schedule to allow me to return to bellydance and/or water aerobics. This morning my doctor informed me that in addition to the rapid heartbeat that I've just considered a fact of my life since jr high school, I have some alarming irregularities in my heartbeat and that she doesn't want me to return to bellydance or water aerobics until I get an all clear from a cardiologist. This is priority 1, according to the doctor, and we can begin to look at other issues. (Issues including but not limited to the potentially addictive miracle drug that the pill sherrif put me on to make up for the failings of the two anti-depressants I was already taking. I have to admit that I don't want her to take me off of the provigil because I feel as though it has given me back my life.)

What a difference a car makes

Things here have been a bit more active than usual. The mere existence of a second car around the MysticSpiral homestead has Sprout in a frenzy of "What will we do next?!?!" That said, the fact that we have the option to leave whenever we wish has her a little more content to linger around the house playing in nothing but her underwear. (What is it about young children that prompts them to be nudists?) We are planning to enroll Sprout in preschool in the fall, but may put her into preschool day camp for a couple of weeks in July and/or August to start getting her used to the idea. We have been taking a break from swim lessons because it was just too hard to work out the schedule for 4-day-a-week swim lessons with just one car.

But it's not just about Sprout's activities and options. I also have a chance now to do things that I felt I couldn't when we were a single car family. I'm indulging some activist impulses that were dishearteningly problematic as a single car family when K's schedule can sometimes change with no notice. I'm also getting back to water aerobics and, hopefully starting this week, middle-eastern dance.

I worked some on the promised finger puppet tutorial while I was in Cincinnati. I've got pictures on the data card on my camera. I've got notes for the actual text handwritten in the spiral bound notebook that I usually take with me everywhere. Most of the notes were written sitting in the car in the driveway the day we bought Rosie. (I had foolishly neglected to check whether I had my complete key ring and instead only had the ring with the Y keyfobs and the locker key. I got to spend a couple hours hanging out in the car getting to know her since I was locked out of the house.) Unfortunately, I'm experiencing computer problems and at the moment my system lacks image editing software or any kind of word processing program. I could probably write the tutorial up in WordPad, if I had to, but I'd rather not.

I have an appointment with my prescribing psychiatrist in just over a week to discuss the addition we made to my meds last month. All in all, I'd have to say that the change has been positive. I feel much more engaged in my own life now than I have in quite a while. Since I mentioned activism earlier, I feel the need to mention something that touches on both my need to promote the causes nearest to me and my own illness.

Like it or not, there is a stigma associated with depression. One part of the reason that I have chosen to be so candid here about my mental health issues. Depression is an illness. It is not a defect. It is not something to be ashamed of. That said, there are many people who refuse treatment for their depression because the cannot see beyond the stigma of mental illness. "What if my employer / landlord / parents / children / competitors / etc find out?!?" This is one of the reasons that the Kristin Brooks Hope Center and its national 1-800-SUICIDE hotline are so important. As an privately funded service, they are not required to report, or even collect, any personal information on anyone who calls. They rely on the support and donations of people just like us to keep providing confidential services to those who need them.

One of those conversations

We've all had them... At least I hope we have. You know, those mental exchanges with our creations when they've begun to take on a life of their own?

Me: We need to find you a name.

Creation: (silence)

Me: What do you think of "Ember"?

Creation scoffs almost audibly.

Me: Ok, you don't like Ember... What about "Singe"?

Creation rolls eyes but still refuses to comment.

Me: Hmmm... "Scorch"?

This prompts Creation to finally break the silence. "Do you see a Ty, Inc. tag on my fuzzy green butt?"

Not liking the direction this is going, I decline to point out to Creation that he does not, in fact, have a butt. Instead I just start throwing out a list of possible names pulled from my mental thesaurus... Charcoal, Simmer, Braise, Broil, Brûlée... (Starting to get just a little frustrated, I take a deep breath to begin rattling off more words/potential names.) Immolate, Flare, Ign--

Creature interrupts: Go back! There was one back there I liked.

Me: Please tell me that it wasn't "Immolate" I was really only being sarcastic about that one.

Creature: No. (Eyes roll as if to suggest that **I'm** the idiot here.) Brûlée! I like that. It's perfect. I've always wanted to be a "Green Brûlée!"

I groan in pain and then look sternly at the creature in front of me. "Do you really want to go to your intended home?"

Creature/Brûlée: Um, Yes!!!?!

Me: You might want to rethink that joke.

Brûlée: Why?

Me: They have a different language there. I'm not sure how well your horrid pun will translate.

Brûlée: Oh, come on. You've got to be kidding. I've haven't been around for even 12 hours yet and I know about the Green Berets. It can't be that obscure.

Me: I'm so glad that you won't be sticking around, Brûlée. I really don't think that we're destined to get along.

I'm thinking that including the creature in discussions about its naming may have given him a slightly too high opinion of his own self-worth. What I should probably be thinking instead is that I'm losing my mind and should really seek professional help.

Personality Tests

One of the side-effects of my depression is that I have this constant need to better understand myself. I'm always trying to gauge whether my thoughts and reactions are "normal" or whether I'm in some sort of unhealthy space. I'm also very uncertain of how others see me. One result of this is that I have become completely addicted to online personality tests. I could sit and take them for hours. Blogthings has a lot of these kinds of tests and there are links to more tests at the top left and bottom right of every test and results page. At least one of the additional tests usually grabs my attention and I end up clicking through to one after another and before I know it, hours have been eaten up by my quest to have a better understanding of my place in the world.

When I was in college, a friend who was in the education department gave me the Myers-Briggs test as part of a testing methodology class that he was taking. I've since taken several abbreviated versions of the test and the results tend to vary only slightly. Sometimes I test as INFP and others I test as ENFP. I have to assume that I'm right on the I/E border and the natural variations in my answers based on whether it's a good day or a bad day end up being the deciding factor.

I was wondering, earlier today, where I'm at right now. I started a new medication today in hopes of dealing with the lethargy, cloudy-headedness, and low energy levels caused by my depression. So far, today has been encouraging. I'm not feeling hyped up or stimulated but I'm not struggling to stay awake while I try to coax Sprout into a nap so that I can go back to bed. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't love it if she'd take a nap. I might even snuggle up next to her to try to get her to doze off. Once she's asleep, though, I'm thinking that it would be nice to spend some time reading something that she didn't choose.

Here's the result of the MB knock-off test that I took this afternoon... It seems pretty accurate. I'm not agitating to get out of the house, but I'm reasonably happy to be out of bed.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

My Little Red Wagon

The Radio Flyer* died Monday on the way home from the Knitting Guild Meeting. The mechanic says that the water pump failed (rather dramatically if you want my opinion) and that he can't pressurize the cooling system to determine what else may need attention. This repair is going to cost a lot of money that we don't have. Alternately, not making the repair (how much is a 93 Escort wagon worth anyway?) means acquiring a car. If we don't have the money for the repair, where's the money for a car going to come from? So much for my dreams of ever becoming a 2 car family.

I had hoped that I might have a summer job which would allow Sprout to spend the summer in 1/2 day pre-school day camp and give me a bit of extra money. Unfortunately, the employer is currently confronted with a spending/hiring freeze so it looks unlikely. I may do some volunteer work for the summer, just to start re-building my resume to maybe get some small teaching gigs. (Classes at the Boonshoft might be fun. Maybe some classes at an art center or something. Who knows?) The money from paid gigs would certainly help but volunteering and teaching would both be easier if we had a 2nd car...

The long and the short of this post is, Watch This Space for a preview of items to be uploaded to Etsy. I don't expect to finance a car payment or the repair bill out of my Etsy shop but I'm very hopeful that, with a little help from my friends, I can make enough money to buy milk and maybe pay the internet bill.

Other than the car, life is gradually moving toward "normal." Everyone in the household is having some difficulty adjusting to our new 3 cat status. Sprout goes for most of a day without any mention of Shado and then will comment on how much she misses him and how sad it is that he's dead. The cats seemed, at first, to take the loss in stride. Shado had long since retired from the pecking order and passed the throne to Hephaestus. Alpheus, our youngest male, has never really seemed to have much interest in a hierarchical order except as applies to who gets to sleep on my body pillow and get affection from me when I can't sleep. Unfortunately, both Alfie and Fuzzy have felt the need to show Mintaka (our only female) that, as far as they're concerned, she's at the bottom of the pecking order.

'Taka would so love to be an only cat. Shado was 6 months old when we brought her home and the two of them always got along beautifully. It would now appear that even after his retirement, Shado was an important ally for her and his calming influence made a real difference. I think that she may be acting out to show her disapproval of the situation by peeing in the laundry. As much as I think that this habit will prove to be a powerful motivator in the direction of sorting clothes (the ones that no longer fit can be donated) and getting them washed and put away, I'd really rather she didn't embrace this habit... If she doesn't have laundry to pee in, I'm afraid she might choose the bed.

Well, I'm putting off photography, for no good reason, so I'd better get that done so I can upload pictures and then begin working on text for the Etsy listings. If you see something in the pictures that you want, drop me a note. I'll be happy to mark it "Reserved" when I update the shop.


*You mean everyone doesn't nickname their cars... ok, red escort station wagon = little red wagon = Radio Flyer -- Clear as mud, I'm sure

The best laid plans

New Spindle - Old Whorl
Originally uploaded by MysticSpiral

Obviously, in spite of my desire to do so, I did not re-open the shop on March 1st. To explain the delay, I need to go back to some of the circumstances that led me to close the shop in the first place.

I've mentioned (once or twice) that I have been diagnosed and am being treated for major depression. I've learned that I'm vulnerable to downward spirals. When I sense that one of those spirals is approaching, I need to take the time to address the underlying issues. In this case, the issue is one that started 2 1/2 years ago with the loss of a significant friendship. I was devastated by that loss, and would have given a great deal to "fix" things.

A few weeks ago, this lost friend contacted me out of the blue. In the last 2 years, she has moved and has dealt with a lot of personal trauma and some major transitions in her life. I kind of admire her for doing it. She had no way of knowing what to expect when she contacted me. She couldn't have known whether I would even respond to her since I honestly didn't know myself when I saw her email.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life that I couldn't put on hold. My parents have had some ongoing health problems. They were offered a rather unconventional (and perhaps extreme) opportunity to address several of those problems simultaneously with "minor" surgery. There was quite a bit of uncertainty as the date for the surgeries approached. My sister was going to come "home" from Germany to help take care of our parents. My mom's sisters came up from the Louisville/Southern Indiana area to help care for them. It was a really scary thing for me, but they're doing great and if everything works the way that it should, their health should be dramatically improved and their life expectancy extended.

While all of that was going on, Sprout and I were both a bit sick. It's like everything happens at once. It's not so long ago that all of this would have sent me into some kind of dark pit. Instead, I took a look at what was going on in my life and identified some things that I didn't **HAVE** to do deal with right then. The biggest thing that could be postponed was getting the shop set up. I've got everything that I need to start taking pictures when the time is right. I've got a couple of new designs that I'm about ready to launch and a little extra time gives me a bit of a chance to refine them a bit further before they debut.

My parents are recovering fine. Sprout has been diagnosed with bronchitis and we've started a course of treatment. (she's not very cooperative and I hate forcing medicines onto her but we'll do what we have to to make her well) I have a book review that got lost in the shuffle and should be ready to post in a couple of days. Etc...

The situation with my "friend" appears to have reached its conclusion. For the sake of my mental health, I just came right out and asked to put all the cards on the table. My request was met with a passive-aggressive "Sorry I bothered you." and I have decided to just let it go.

Through all of this, my spinning has been a constant comfort and an act of meditation. Remind me to post soon about the spinning demonstration that I'm doing at the Springfield museum. It's forcing me to dust off the wheel and explore an interest in historical re-enactment/re-creation.

My head is spinning

RavSpinOctChallenge
Originally uploaded by MysticSpiral

I'm currently working on spinning up about an ounce and a half of black superwash merino which I've blended (in the loosest sense of the word) with glow-in-the-dark spiderweb from one of the 1,000,000 Halloween stores that has suddenly opened in the greater Dayton area. I've visited more of these stores than is my usual custom (I generally try to avoid them) because I specifically wanted phosphorescent spiderweb rather than black light spiderweb. On some level, it disturbs me that these shops spring up to sell fetish costumes to 7-year-old girls and then they pack up and disappear for another year on Nov. 1st. I actually tried to find what I needed at one of the Foy's stores in historic downtown Fairborn, Ohio. I always kinda liked Foy's and I like that they are a small, locally owned company with strong ties to the community in which they're based and that they operate their stores/businesses year round instead of only seasonally.

I've learned that glow-in-the-dark spiderweb doesn't draft well at all. Spinning with this stuff is a little like wrestling with a toddler while you attempt to brush rubber cement out of her hair. (or at least that's what I'm guessing, so far Sprout has stayed away from the rubber cement...) I don't think that I've ever spun anything this inconsistent. Heather may joke that i'm some kind of spinning prodigy but I'm tempted to post pictures of this stuff, once I finish it and get it posted for the spindling challenge, to the beginning spinners forums as an example of the kind of drafting challenges that will be overcome with practice and well prepared fiber.

Don't get me wrong... Part of me looks at the masses of this stuff that I'm going to have left over (I bought two bags of the stuff when I finally found it at the 5th Halloween store that I went to) and thinks, "Surely this would work better if I had access to a drum carder and could incorporate it into a nice fluffy batt."

I should write something about the results of my hand adventures but since I'm still processing and I won't actually meet the specialist until Wednesday, I don't really feel like I have much to report.

Likewise, my adventures in random psychopharm roulette have yeilded a combination/doseage about which I feel mildly optimistic but I don't want to say too much too soon. I've been attending meetings of a support group for people dealing with depression (including family, friends, care givers, etc although none of those have shown up yet...), but don't really feel like I can blog about that except to say that if I get nothing more out of these meetings than an uninterrupted hour to spin each week it will be better for my mental health than almost anything that I have yet tried.

Handle With Care

I made an appointment for Monday with a hand therapist at a local sports medicine clinic. I had delayed for two weeks since my doctor referred me with excuses about not being able to find childcare. It turns out, the clinic is attached to one of our local YMCAs. (Not the one where Sprout has her swim lessons and soccer and where I take bellydance classes... this one is actually closer to home.) One of the advantages to this is that I can put Sprout in the nursery at the Y during my meeting. I'm not sure if it will be free (I'm a member and they do offer members free childcare for 2 hours a day while they're at the Y...) or if I'll have to pay (a dollar an hour, it's not going to break the bank) since I won't actually be using the Y itself...

What I realized, after I'd hung up, was that I knew a week ago that if I couldn't find any other way, the clinic is open early enough that I could schedule the appointments in such a way that I could leave Sprout with her daddy while I went to my hand therapy. With that acknowledgment fresh in my mind, I had to admit that I didn't make the appointment because I'm a little afraid.

As I said in my previous entry, I didn't have much time to process what was going on between the CTS diagnosis and my first surgery last time around. Any concerns that I might have had about surgery were completely overshadowed by the suggestion that the tendons in my thumbs were so bad that the muscles had atrophied, possibly beyond the point of recovery, and that I might not regain the full use of my thumbs. Opposable thumbs are good things, I like mine, I wouldn't want defective tendons to drag me backwards on the evolutionary ladder.

I've learned a lot since then and met people who've had less favorable outcomes from their CTS surgeries than I had. I also know that there are some different factors to consider with a repeat surgery. The questions that need to be addressed now are "Why am I having a recurrance of symptoms?" the surgery cut my carpal ligament, the nerve pressure should have been resolved. And, yet, I'm loosing sensation in my fingers and my motor control is suffering. What is the source of the pressure causing these problems? Is it scar tissue? was the ligament release incomplete? Is there some underlying medical concern that was mis attributed to CTS? How will these things be corrected? Surgery? Will therapy do the trick? If surgery, am I possibly looking at implants or vein wraps? I've never had any kind of graft procedure before and I'm a little worried about what might be involved...

And, to change the subject (or maybe not) there's the whole question of how this will effect our decision to have (or not) another baby. The last time around, I made the appointment with the specialist at about the same time that we'd planned on starting our family planning/expansion efforts. The surgeries, and the financial recovery after we saw how much the insurance wasn't covering, postponed our child-making plans by almost 3 years. I'll be 39 in 2 weeks. If we're going to have another baby, we need to start trying soon. We might get pregnant right away, but last time around (between PCOS and my miscarriage) it took us 3 years to have Sprout.

I'm feeling very adrift about all of this. Conflicted. I love being a mom and love having Sprout in my life. I know that she would enjoy having a sibling. She loves babies so much and is so excited by them. There would be an almost 4 year age difference between her and a sibling if we got pregnant right now. But if surgery is a possibility down the road rather than right now, how much harder would it be with an infant and a 4-5 year old? What if I don't need surgery now but I get pregnant and the CTS gets worse? (it's actually not uncommon for that to happen)

Well, I need to spend some quality time with my little girl. This stream of consciousness blogging is just taking me in circles and Sprout wants someone to play with her...

Image Note: An engraved illustration by Gérard de Lairesse from a 17th century Dutch anatomy text.

Give a girl a hand

I started having problems with my hands when I was in college. Pain... loss of sensation... loss of control... As a 22 year old, during a particularly bad period, I went to the campus health center and was told that I was most likely dealing with arthritis. I was a child and it never occurred to me to ask for a second opinion.

In the spring of 1999, after spending an intense period of time working on some hand-built porcelain vessels that I wanted to use for a grant proposal, the problems with my hands reached a new extreme. I felt as though I had lost all fine motor control. When I tried to hold something, my grip was so tight that the item would crush in my hands. A tiny vessel, which had taken hours to build and was nearly finished might be crushed to dust in my hands when I thought that I was gently holding it. At the same time, I would try to grip things tightly and they would slip from my grasp to the floor.

Within a month, I had the first of 6 hand surgeries which were spaced out over a period of 8 months. The diagnosis was Carpal Tunnel, Tendonitis and ancillary nerve damage. From diagnosis to the first surgery, I was so busy with blood tests and surgery prep that I didn't have time to think about what was happening.

Soon I will be seeing a hand specialist for a "pre-surgical consultation." I don't know if we will ultimately choose surgery, and I know that it is unlikely that we would have to repeat all of it, but I'm a little freaked out. I don't want to repeat any of it. I honestly don't know how I'd manage life with Sprout during my recovery. I can't manage life with an energetic, high-needs three-year-old as it is. I've had the number for the physical/occupational therapist for almost a week and haven't scheduled my first appointment because I just can't seem to find a childcare solution. We considered enrolling her in preschool. The problem is that preschool is 3 hours 3 mornings a week. I would spend 1/2 hour of that driving her daddy to work after we dropped her off, another 45 minutes driving to the physical therapist's office, it takes another 1/2 hour to get from the physical therapist's office to the preschool which means that if the appointment is an hour, I have exactly fifteen minutes margin for delayed appointments or traffic problems. I'm not sure it's possible but I am almost certain that the stress will drive me around the twist.

Of course, the way that today has been going, I'm probably going to run away from home. As an indigent living on the streets in the midwest, scheduling medical appointments will probably be the last of my worries. What is it about 3 year olds that inspires them to bite and hit when they don't get their way. It's not like ***We've*** ever modeled that behavior, although I will admit that I really, really wanted to hit her with a rolled up newspaper when she bit me the second time in less than a minute.

The good news is that tomorrow is my bellydance class. It's the thing that I look forward to all week and the thing that really gets me through right now. Between dance class and trying to find my way around Ravelry, I'm starting to remember that there's a world out there that has nothing to do with preschoolers.

Image: Georgia O'Keefe: Hands with Thimble photograph by Alfred Stieglitz

Running on Empty

When last I checked in, I was feeling a bit sleep deprived. Some research online and a conversation with my therapist helped convince me to try switching when I took my new medication from the evening to the morning. I also switched to a slower release formula which we're going to try for a while and see how things go. I'm doing much, much better with the combination of the slower acting formula and the earlier dosing. In fact, the only cloud on my horizon right now is that I'm so busy with swim lessons and the things that I'm doing in an effort to improve my health and well-being that I've no time or energy left at the moment for the studio.

I'm so glad right now that I've taken some time off. My sister is coming to visit from Germany, Sprout and I are going with my sister and our parents to Florida for a week of swimming and fun on the beach. There just hasn't been much time left and probably won't be any in the foreseeable future for blogging and updating on my personal life. There's nothing going on in the studio at the moment, so I can't really give much info there. How boring would it be, for everyone, if I posted regular updates that said something to the effect of "Playing and having fun with Sprout. Dieting and exercising. Nothing going on in the studio. Took Sprout to see her grandparents. More later."

On an interesting side note, I've decided to re-visit my desire to do some professional writing. I'm going to be starting slow, with some book and/or media reviews here on my blog. I've answered a call for reviewers. I will be receiving the items for review from the publishers at no cost, and the network that I'm working with compensates reviewers with Amazon.com gift cards. My goal is to write honest and, hopefully insightful, reviews of the material I'm sent. It is not a completely random process. I will receive email from the blogging network with information about the materials available for review. If the material looks interesting to me, I can choose to throw my name into the hat as a potential reviewer. After that, they either send me the book or they don't. Should be interesting.

Closing Shop

Anyone who's been reading this blog for any length of time knows that I have been struggling with depression for quite some time. I've recently come to the realization that my medications are not doing the job for which they were prescribed. We're embarking on a new course of treatment, including new medications and getting rid of the ones that aren't working. As I begin this transition, I find myself wanting to simplify those areas of my life that I can actually change.

It is for this reason that I've decided to close my Etsy shop for a few months.

Psychopharmacology Roulette

I've written a bit about rants recently and I guess that's because I'm in a bit of a ranty mood. I'm easily frustrated right now. I seem unable to concentrate for very long on anything. My current knitting project is a perfect example. It is an extremely simple pattern, a 2 row repeat. The first row is knit a certain number of stitches until you get to a place where you're supposed to have a bead. Purl one, slide the bead into place, purl again, and then knit until time for the next purl/bead/purl combo. The second row is knit, knit, knit, until you get to the stitch marker that tells you that it's time to do the first row again. The problem is, I keep forgetting and either purl/bead/purl-ing in the middle of the knit row, or knitting two or more rows and then I have to go back and unknit the portion that I've messed up.

On one hand, I can't help thinking that spinning would be the perfect answer to my current lack of focus. I've got quite the stockpile of wool around here (and my alpaca roving finally arrived from Wooly Knob) to play with and a new double drive band on the wheel. The only problem with this plan is that I don't want to abandon my knitting in the middle. (Although I did decide that I needed to experiment a bit with the pattern and -- after visiting 2 craft stores looking for suitable beads -- am playing with a more involved pattern with a somewhat less decadent yarn and the only 8/0 beads that I could find... In other words, I have 2 projects on DPNs right now!)

Sprout and her daddy are both asleep and I should be too, but my mind is going at light speed. Thoughts are popping in and ideas are building on ideas at a rate much faster than I can seem to process. (Certainly a lot faster than I can type!) This is the bulk of the reason that my concentration is so poor right now. I don't know if I process it all better when I'm sleeping or if I just care less that I can't keep up, but once I get to sleep, I don't want to wake up. My psychiatrist and I are about to launch another round of psychopharmacology roulette. We're adding another drug to the staggering dose of anti-depressants I'm already taking. If it works, I should be able to reclaim roughly 1/8th of my life. (That being the portion of my life that I spend sleeping beyond what would be considered normal...)

In studio news, the image in this post is of the first piece in my Technological Artifacts series from 2001. I have decided that the time has come for me to let go of these pieces and will be listing them for sale in my Etsy shop. I'm going to be working on the images for the listings in the next couple of days.

In parenting news, we took Sprout to the Y today so that she could swim. At one point, while she was crawling around the perimeter of the pool, she lost her "footing" and tumbled into the pool. Her daddy and I are never further than arms length from her at the pool, so there was really no cause for alarm, but it happened so quickly that she ended up completely underwater before her daddy could scoop her into his arms. The experience startled her and she came out of the water crying a little bit. This is such an unusual thing for her that I was pretty alarmed. This is a child whose first reaction to a fall is to stand up and say "I'm okay!" or "I'm fine." She almost never cries about falling. As usual, she got over the experience quite rapidly, but I was pretty shaken for a few minutes there. It wasn't the tumble or the submersion in the water. I was just so unaccustomed to seeing her upset by it that I was sure that it must have been worse than I thought.

Reader's Digest Condensed Rants

The following rants have taken place inside my head in the past 24-48 hours. The Cliff's Notes versions are presented here in more or less chronological order.

Her Bad Mother's Basement: (Not) Living The Dream:

Why is it that mother's are expected to not only put their lives (personal and professional) on hold to raise children or care for aged parents (their own or those of their spouse) but to enjoy it as well? What does it say that if a mom sometimes resents the losses that accompany parenthood, they question their worth and suitability as a parent? I read this confessary post and found myself thinking about all of the women throughout time who have been in a similar position and who have taken it with much less grace. I have no doubt that depression is a major issue in the household described. The thing is, the situation as written is has a lot in common with my own. The differences, however put us in different worlds... I am blessed with a remarkable support system. My mother-in-law (a candidate for sainthood if ever one crossed my path) is kind enough to take Sprout on occasion so that I can get work done or accomplish things that are nearly impossible with a toddler in tow. My husband does most of the housework, and is more than willing to keep Sprout busy while I do what I need to get done. I have friends (one in particular) who I visit and enjoy spending time with so that I don't feel so isolated.

I wrote about much of this when I wrote Interruptions Big and Small as part of my attempt to become a professional blogger...

A number of smaller rants managed to escape my mind and memory while I was writing the above. The most recent of my ravings, however, had to do with visiting a craft shop in an unsuccessful attempt to acquire size 8/0 seed beads so that I could begin knitting a 2nd pair of wrist warmers. What I learned, as I searched high and low for suitable beads, is that in order to merit inclusion in the stock of the average American craft store, one must somehow give the impression that your product is essential to every scrap booker within a 200 mile radius. Since beads are nice occasional accents but far from essential, the selection is minimal and there were only 3 colors of 8/0 sized seed beads in the entire store. Unfortunately, none of those colors would look good with the pretty brown wool that I purchased.

Can Toddlers Be Fat?

I was flipping channels this evening and stumbled across a show on The Learning Channel called "Tubby Toddlers". I will admit that my first impulse was to just scroll past without even reading the description. Frankly, I find that I have little or no respect for TLC's programming anymore. One Week To Save Your Marriage, Crazy Kids Clips, and the endless series of medical freak shows that they seem to think we'll find entertaining are not my idea of enthralling television viewing.

Professor Paul Gately's research on childhood obesity may be quite valid and valuable. One of my greatest fears is that Sprout will struggle with her weight (and the self-worth problems arising from body image issues) as I have done for most of my life. I honestly believed that I was fat and that I needed to loose weight long before I really was. Genetics aren't on Sprout's side on this issue so I'm hoping that we can give her the tools that she needs to tackle the environmental factors so that she's ahead of the game. I love that she is active and energetic...

The thing is, toddlers are developing in so many areas at once. To put toddlers, or any young child, on a weight loss program seems so very, very wrong to me.

TITLE: Florence / Anna Desmond & Co.,LA.
CREATOR: Anna Desmond & Co., photographer.
LOC CALL NUMBER: LOT 3222, no. 38 [P&P]
LOC REPRODUCTION NUMBER: LC-USZC2-5945 (color film copy slide) No known restrictions on publication.
MEDIUM: 1 photographic print : platinum ; 16 x 10
CREATED/PUBLISHED: [1902]

Why I'll Never Be A Seamstress

I'm actually shorter on patience today than I have been in quite some time. This is a very bad thing because Sprout is at her grandmother's for the day so that I could be free to talk with/wander in and out of the basement with the plumbers who were coming to tell us what we'd need to do to have a gas water heater installed in place of our electric water heater. In the end, the numbers ended up convincing us that in spite of our desire to switch from electric to gas, we can't justify the extra expense. (Sigh... The extra day or two waiting for the water heater to be installed wouldn't have been so tiresome had it actually served some purpose.)

I spent some time processing images to upload some of my vessels to my Etsy shop. Unfortunately, I'm suffering from writer's block. I know what I want to write but I just can't seem to make it work right.

I found the sewing machine maintenance kit that I bought and misplaced so I thought, "Ok, I'll work on my sewing project while I try to mentally process what I'm trying to write." So I pulled the old Kenmore machine out, oiled the spots that I'd been told needed oil, and discovered that the belt is slipping and brittle and really needs to be replaced. I was irritated but pretty sure that I'd survive.

I pulled out the little Singer Tiny Tailor which I had thought might be fun for Sprout to play with eventually... My thought was that one of my planned sewing projects was a pretty simple thing and maybe a small success would help me to make some forward progress. I was not to be so lucky. After an hour wasted trying to insert the bobbin/bobbin case, my mild irritation at the Kenmore blossomed into an almost nuclear anger at the Tiny Tailor which I'd been uncertain whether to keep or not. I eventually packed the whole thing back up in its battered box, walked out to the front porch, and pitched it toward the garage with as much force as I could muster. I feel mildly better now that the thing is out of the house. There just isn't room in my life for items that do not do the job for which they were intended.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've been reminded (in multiple contexts) that setting my blog so that it doesn't accept comments from non-Blogger readers means that I'm making it more difficult to get feedback and input from the visitors to my blog. I set the blog up the way that I did because of concerns about comment spam... Worse comes to worse, there's always comment moderation... [edited to add: Apparently when I changed the settings, they didn't get saved or something so the blog still wasn't accepting comments. I've fixed that, as of 27 February 2007 so we'll see what happens.]

Waterskiing on Lake Fasimpaur

I had great plans to post something everyday this month... The flood in the basement, the expenses associated with having the water heater replaced, and the fact that we've decided (mutually, after much agonizing and shared distaste) to cancel our romantic Valentine's dinner reservations at The Winds have left me feeling a little at a loss about what to post.

I could further engage everyone in a detailed soliloquy about the psychic damage caused by PCOS/body image issues and the discomfort associated with ingrown nipple whiskers. (But I'm saving that post for Mother Talkers because I want to spread the wealth of my toxic self-esteem.)

At the moment I have a nursling telling me how ready she is for bed. So I'll just apologize for disappearing for 2 days and promise a post tomorrow about the Dayton PrintMaker's Co-Op and an image of one of the motifs that I'm developing for a series of letterpress prints.

Until then, here's a goddess set from 2003 glazed in a beautiful matte glaze from Georgies that is a bluish/purplish periwinkle color with flecks of pink. I need to get more of these glazes... SOON!!!

Two padlocks and cobwebs

Two padlocks and cobwebs
Originally uploaded by Linda6769.

Sometimes the locks and obstacles that we put in place are imaginary. Other times they're very real. The thing is, if you go too long without testing them, you may forget which is which.

I was a freshman in high school when I discovered printmaking. I was in college when I finally faced the realization that the solvents and other chemicals involved in printmaking made me seriously ill. I spent a quarter doing monoprints and dry point etchings trying to minimize the contact and prolong the inevitable but in the end I had to admit that printmaking and I were not destined for happily ever after. I resigned myself to the idea that, although I'd always miss it, I'd have to pursue a different medium.

A couple years ago, I started hearing about some of the developments in water based and eco-friendly printing methods. Recently I've been investigating the possiblities that maybe I can return to my high school love...

Wouldn't it be funny, if I brushed away the cobwebs on those obstacles I've been allowing to stop me all these years, and discover that the padlocks were open all along?